5 things I'm thinking today. . .

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lingua_franca
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by lingua_franca » Sun Aug 11, 2019 1:48 pm

She died in my arms. :cry: I went to the hospital straight from the train, as they didn't think she'd live through the night, and she was all spindly and emaciated and hooked up to all manner of tubes and monitors. Her spine was sticking up through her fur like teeth. She recognised me. She tried to purr (such a thin creaky sound) and then she found power in her back legs and slumped across the examining table against my torso. She put her head in the crook of my arm, how we always used to sit, and then the vet put her to sleep. I'm glad I got to be there.

Punkgirl, thank you for your kind offer. My understanding is that while FIP isn't directly transmissible, the coronavirus is, and that it mutates to FIP in a few cats. My kitten has his own litter tray but he did sometimes get in my cat's tray, and the Cats Protection leaflet says that litterbox sharing can be an aggravating factor? It also mentions stress, and she was definitely stressed by the kitten's exuberance. I am trying so hard not to blame myself but it's so hard to feel that I may have lost a friend and caused her to suffer through a choice I made.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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Victoriomantic
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by Victoriomantic » Sun Aug 11, 2019 2:09 pm

Lingua, that is heart-breaking. There are no words... I'm so sorry. I'm glad you were able to be there at the end.

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Geishawife
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by Geishawife » Sun Aug 11, 2019 5:44 pm

So sorry, Lingua. Thinking of you and sending love. XXX

Punkgirluk
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by Punkgirluk » Sun Aug 11, 2019 8:59 pm

Lingua- first of all and most importantly I am so sorry for your loss.

It is totally usual to question whether we could have done anything differently. I can’t offer any guarantees or definitive answers but in the vast majority of cats infection happens as a kitten and the mutation is within the persistently infected cat. Could that mutation or the subsequent over reaction of the immune system have been triggered by the stress of the new kitten? Possibly (although a large recent retrospective study found new cat introductions as a possible factor in only 3% of cases). Would another precipitating factor have led to the same result if you hadn’t introduced the kitten? Probably.

While I would never tell anyone how to grieve- be aware of 20/20 hindsight and obsessing over what could have/should have been done. Because the answer is usually that there are so many unpredictable factors that the net answer is nothing.

lingua_franca
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by lingua_franca » Mon Aug 12, 2019 2:02 pm

Thank you. Hearing that does help. I think it's extra difficult because so many things have happened in the space of three weeks - my mum's major surgery, then my ex breaking up with me, then my aunt in hospital, then my cat, and all this with two publication deadlines looming. I feel as if I've had no time to breathe between any of it. Things are still very sad and hurty this afternoon, but I feel a lot clearer in my mind for some sleep and a cup of tea.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

Punkgirluk
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by Punkgirluk » Mon Aug 12, 2019 10:57 pm

I am glad your head is feeling somewhat clearer.

Allow yourself as much breathing space and self care as you can within the constraints of what sounds like quite overwhelming current life events.

Sending gentle virtual hugs 🤗

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miriam
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by miriam » Wed Aug 14, 2019 1:45 am

Lingua - I'm sorry for your loss. As Punkgirl said, try not to hold onto guilt when you did nothing that you could have predicted could be harmful and the likelihood is that you were not a causal factor, but in fact gave your cat as much love and happiness in its life as was possible. Make sure you take care of yourself and don't take on too much whilst you are dealing with all these life events.

Punkgirl - thanks for proving what a diverse and supportive community this forum is :)

1. I feel like I've done nothing but sleep today. A nap this morning, another this afternoon, and I'm tired again now, having done nothing more strenuous than sit on my sofa. It is unusual for me to have a day off work, and frustrating to miss the only day that overlapped with a colleague I wanted to meet up with before her leave. No idea why I've been feeling off colour either - unless it was a bug from my flight, or a hangover of spending a week in Spain where it was too hot to sleep properly, culminating in a brief trip to Park Guell in 35 degree heat (the car thermostat said 41 degrees, but dropped down again once we got moving, so I think it was an artifact of sitting still in the sun) on Saturday.
2. Shortlisting for our current AP post has been the most disappointing experience ever. Not one of the first 12 applications I read had fulfilled all four of our basic essential requirements - GBC, a driving license, a year of relevant experience and a covering letter saying how they fit our requirements - and only 4 of the first 32 applicants got through the first screen. Two applicants weren't even psychology grads. It really highlights the difference in standards between NHS jobs and general recruitment sites.
3. The building work at my house is finally getting going. However, with architect fees, structural engineer fees, buildings control fees and materials we are burning through our savings at a rate of knots. And because we've had to re-sequence everything and are already £20k down because of the mess the prior traditional methods carpenters made, we will run out of cash before we start the extension to the house unless my RTA compensation case settles by then.
4. Still so many exciting potential contracts for my business that are in the pipeline, but not yet tangible. Everything seems to take a long time to sign off, particularly in the public sector, and there is such a reluctance to spend to save that every project has to start with the tiniest of pilots and then build up. Even the consulting role I've been verbally offered hasn't yet been agreed in writing, but I'm trying to hold the faith and turn down court work so I have capacity for when it all comes through.
5. It was nice to have a chance to read a non-work book whilst I was on holiday. I enjoyed James O'Brien's "How to be Right" a lot. Interesting also that he is adopted and thinks of his parallel life within a much more vulnerable birth family when considering the social safety net required. I also love reading to my kids. Its a different experience to reading alone, because it is a shared space and their responses and questions add to my enjoyment. The Harry Potter books have been much more enjoyable read out loud to them than they were when I read them myself. I'm now reading them "the boy at the back of the class". It is very well written and they are very much connecting with it so far. Good to have a children's novel about how other children respond to an unaccompanied refugee joining their class too.
Miriam

See my blog at http://clinpsyeye.wordpress.com

PinkFreud19
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by PinkFreud19 » Thu Aug 15, 2019 2:44 pm

1. Today is my last day as an AP! I've had a lot of self-doubts over the last three years, and my leaving has prompted a lot of lovely comments from my colleagues, so I'm really leaving on a high.
2. Looking forward to my six weeks off before the doctorate starts. Several holidays planned but finding it difficult to share my excitement without rubbing it in too much to people who have to work!
3. Surprisingly little to do today in terms of tidying my desk. It turns out that my 2 1/2 years here hasn't allowed me to embed myself into the office too much. Perhaps this is the sign of the digital age, given most of my files are on the shared drive?
4. Thinking about investing in precious metals. No-deal Brexit seems frighteningly likely and the world seems to be on the brink of a recession.
5. I've suffered from nausea for a whole year now. My consultant said it's not severe enough to be anything serious and suggests that I should just put up with "unpleasant but not debilitating" symptoms. It's not nice news to hear; I hope it was caused by work-related stress and that my six weeks off will allow my stomach to recover.

lingua_franca
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by lingua_franca » Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:26 pm

1.) I keep thinking I see my cat moving out of the corner of my eye. It will be months before I stop finding traces of her fur in my socks, I expect. This is hard. I'm so touched by how kind everyone has been, both in my 'real life' and here online. Thank you.
2.) I miss my ex, but I am also feeling angry at him for how he (mis)handled the situation. This is a sign of progress, as I'm not very good at feeling or communicating anger on my own behalf (unless it's with the Tory Party). My best friend is of the view that we should throw him off a cliff a few times. This seems somewhat excessive, but I could go with hurling him off a moderate-sized hillock.
3.) I'm going to go out and buy some really nice crusty bread, and then have a vegan sausage sandwich with posh chutney. Plus a cup of tea. That sounds like a good lunch.
4.) I'm looking forward to the resumption of my Tavi course. Nothing to help you get over heartbreak and the loss of a pet like a reading list that's very heavy on Melanie Klein. (I'm not joking. Despite the 'what the heck' moments prompted by some of the content, I'm really enjoying psychoanalytic theory!)
5.) I've decided to give Bumble BFF a try, as soon I'll be moving to a city where I only know two people. For those who don't know, it's a dating app that isn't for dates, but for making new friends. I'm curious to see how this works.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

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AryaStark
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by AryaStark » Mon Aug 19, 2019 2:51 pm

I am so sorry for your loss lingua, I had a similar experience when my kitty passed and I was away. I felt that if I was there I would have been able to (somehow?) prevent what happened. Sending big hugs.

1) In the final few weeks of my current AP post before I move on to my next. I seem to have tied everything up a bit too early and this has left me with not much to complete in a clinical sense. Feeling quite lost! Colleagues encouraging me to enjoy this 'down-time' before the next role or to start to look at my Dclin application for this year.
2) Opened my application document from last year- slightly panicked at what I am going to change this year (want to do a complete re-write!)- closed document :-).
3) Still waiting on a start date for the new role. Trying not to worry about how they have obviously found out I am a fraud and do not want me anymore ;).
4) A family member passed away yesterday. It wasn't sudden, it has been a long few years of physical health problems and dementia. However, I am yet to process this and find myself being critical that I am not grieving in the 'right' way. I'm not sure if this is a by-product of a busy few months in which I have been in 'productive' mode in order to handle stressors. Maybe when I slow down soon it will hit me more.
5) Now that I am more settled once again I need to start the house-hunting process (again). This now fills me with more dread at the thought of moving another time than it does with the excitement it should!
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
-Max Ehrmann,"Desiderata"

lingua_franca
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by lingua_franca » Sat Aug 24, 2019 1:44 am

Thank you, Arya. I think the twisted insistence that we're somehow at fault is actually just a response to helplessness in a terrible situation - if we blame ourselves, we're saying that we had the power to make things different, when in truth we didn't. Accepting powerlessness in the face of grief isn't easy. :cry: It's definitely not easy to accept that grief comes in many forms. I hope you're able to be kind to yourself over your relative's death.

1.) I miss my cat more than I miss my ex. I have sound priorities and this should be a comfort to me.
2.) My job in the special school resumes on 2nd September. After the summer I've had, I'm dreading the first day, specifically all my colleagues asking how my holiday has been. I also know that I'll feel much better once I've got going. I really enjoy my work there.
3.) I am officially Melanie Klein's screaming fangirl. I've just read a paper in which she seems to be subtweeting Donald Trump and Boris Johnson from 1959.
4.) I am pleased that I have managed to get through three-fifths of my to-do list today. I'm also pleased that I'm managing to practise some self-compassion and not beat myself up for not working enough.
5.) Nando's for lunch tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the spicy fries.
"Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
"Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
Piglet was comforted by this.
- A.A. Milne.

Prosopon
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by Prosopon » Wed Sep 11, 2019 1:11 am

1. I can't sleep! My unborn baby is currently having a little party and while it's lovely to feel his movements, his dancing is keeping me awake!

2. The Dementia Friends Champion induction I attended today was excellent. I pushed my anxiety to the limit to do it and am glad I did, but now my brain is trying to process my day, which is also keeping me awake.

3. I'm not sure I'll be brave enough to run any Dementia Friends information sessions. I want to, especially as I'm so passionate about improving the lives of people living with dementia, but the thought of doing a 1 hour presentation is very daunting.

4. I wish I'd booked tomorrow off work. I could really use a day to rest and recover.

5. I'm struggling a lot with tiredness as my pregnancy progresses but it's not easy for me to slow down or ask for help with things I'm used to doing myself. I need to learn to be okay with taking things easy and asking for help from others. Easier said than done!
"Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

~From Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Iggy1
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by Iggy1 » Tue Oct 01, 2019 9:54 am

1. I've started a job which has some permanence to it- after years of FTC's and having the freedom/expectation of moving between jobs regulalry I'm not used to this and now feel like my career has been set in a certain direction! I don't know whether to be excited or scared..
2. However my new commute is dreamy, home in 30 minutes!
3. Anyone else so sick of rain?
4. Acronyms will be the death of me
5. The autonomy of my new role is both validating and nerve racking!

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Victoriomantic
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by Victoriomantic » Sun Oct 06, 2019 4:28 pm

1. Starting new job tomorrow. Looking forward to it, but I hate change so eeeeep.
2. I am terrible at relaxing
3. I want to be a pet mum so bad! The desires to own pets and DIY-decorate my home are the main reasons I wish I could afford to buy.
4. I can't wait for bestie to come over next week and help me to clear out my wardrobe and possibly other possessions in the process we have gleefully named "Keep or Yeet!"
5. I have not yet decided whether I want to apply for clinical this year. I feel like I should say no, but unsure. Should probably focus more on settling into new job and getting my 12 months' practice for full CBT accreditation. But I feel like the clock is ticking, which is silly.

Cheeky 6th - I need to start the meal plan from my dietitian. I hope that it helps my energy levels (combined with meds) but also secretly hope it helps weight loss too.

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miriam
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Re: 5 things I'm thinking today. . .

Post by miriam » Mon Oct 14, 2019 1:17 pm

1. My daughter has been unwell enough to have needed 5 days/3 nights in hospital and a week off school. I've stayed with her, because that was obviously the right thing to do, but it is really difficult to get a good night's sleep when the option is a plastic chair or sharing a single bed, with only a curtain separating you from the noise and lights of the ward. Hopefully it was just a nasty reaction to a virus and she is now on the mend.
2. I've also missed a week of work, two trips to London, and all the work I'd normally fit in during evenings and weekends. I'm a week behind in shortlisting for our sales vacancy, I've got a grant application due in next week, and a court report due soon after. I don't know how I'll catch up in time to each deadline. And even if I get on top of that, I've got a queue of other tasks that are waiting for me on the home front.
3. I've also got a cold, as has my husband. I'm fed up with having a fuzzy head, runny/blocked nose and tickly cough. And I hate seeing my other half depleted. I feel bad I can't take more off his shoulders.
4. Feel a bit strung along by a charity, but not too disappointed to be dropped as I didn't really click with their boss or feel aligned with their ethics.
5. At least we have a holiday booked, and I'll get to leave all of this behind for a fortnight fairly soon!
Miriam

See my blog at http://clinpsyeye.wordpress.com

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